I'm learning to let you go.
No matter how much I love you, or how much I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, the time has come for me to follow through with walking away..
There is nothing left of you for me to try to hold on to anymore. It make no difference what your reasons were... Whether it was because you were afraid of the commitment, or it took too much personal effort, or there were outside factors to take into consideration. Whether because you didn't love me enough, or because you just didn't want to try anymore. Your reasons are your responsibility, not mine.
For me to search for answers for you is to seek to place the blame on you. The fact is that the opportunity arose to open the door. I knew that was what you wanted, so I opened it. But you didn't force me to.
After much soul searching, I know why I opened the door. To test you. To see if all the things I thought you stood for were true. To see whether or not you would meet my expectations of what I wanted you to be. Even yesterday, I caught myself waiting to see if you would.
If you want to know why you needed the open door, you will have to seek the answers for yourself... The final outcome for me will remain the same.
I must choose my path. It will probably not be the one you travel. But it will be my choice.
I'll miss you. The good times might always be the best if you are there, but I must have the will to choose to have good times whether you are there or not.
It would be impossible for me to spend my life trying to hide my stormy weather. The most important person in my life will walk both the bad and the good with me. Not agree with me all the time, but support me all the time.
Bad times are as much a part of our lives as the good times are... all must be shared when you have a life together. They might touch your heart, disrupt your life, or cause you embarrassment, but they exist. For me they are the waters of life, and if I don't learn to flow with them, I'll drown.
I made the choice not to stand on the side of the bank and watch it flow by. That's me there, in the middle of the flow. I'm willing to hold someone's hand as it sweeps us along, and pull them up if they go under, but I won't stand on the bank...
I need someone who can swim beside me as a partner when the bad times touch my heart... someone with enough love for me to refuse to let me go under. Or I have to float by on my own.
Since we've been apart I've been reevaluating my whole life.
It was in tiny fragments, and I had a challenging time trying to find a way to gather them back together again.
First, I had to force myself to want to.
Then I realized what an opportunity I had to grow & learn. Here was my life spread out on the table, every piece available to pick up & look at, analyze & save, or discard.
I love you, & I'll always be there for you if you need a friend, but I need more than a few scraps of attention or companionship tossed out like a bone to a dog.
I know what I'm looking for. I want it all. Without compromising the principles I believe in, or expecting my partner to. The person who is as committed to making a good relationship work as I am is out there somewhere, & I hope is looking for me.
I can't change the way you feel about the responsibility of loving me. But I can stop letting it guide my life.
I need someone that I can depend on to love me no matter what. Through the good times, the bad times, in sickness and in health, until transition us do part. Someday that person may be you, & we'll find each other. Maybe not.
But I have to believe that someday you'll find someone worth loving that much. Someone worth putting up with their problems... hanging in there through the vomiting, the HIV test, the wrecked car, sandwiches for dinner, and interrupted sleep, so that you also have the best friend, faithful lover and special someone to always be there no matter what.
I hope that when you find her, she'll be that person for you... And I hope she loves and understands the things that make you scared, angry, insecure and sad, as much as she loves the things that make you happy, excited and feel fulfilled.
I hope she'll understand you, and always be there for you; that she'll love you with her whole heart.