My Battle
by Megan Selland
My name is Tasha. I'm 13, and I live in Windsor, Michigan- close to Detroit. I have an older sister, Marie. She can be a brat sometimes, but I guess I can put up with it- she's okay most of the time. (Most of the time!) My father died when I was a baby, so I don't remember that much about him.
I like music, computers, art, and going places with my friends. We go to movies, the mall, bowling, to get pizza, or wherever we want to go!! I have four best friends. I know it sounds weird, but I do.
Stacey is kind of wild- always the one to do the dares first. Alyssa is totally opposite- she's quiet and never really says what she means, just what people want her to say. Jenna is somewhere in the middle, because she's not the first to do something, but not the last. Last, but not least- we have Stephanie. She's half wild, and half not. Not quite as outgoing as Stacey.
Anyway, we were all going out to a movie. It had one of our favorite actors in it, so we were all watching it pretty close!! Afterwards, we went out to get some ice cream at our favorite hang-out, the Dairy Pub. It's just a place to have a good malt and talk with friends.
Then we all went home, because (of course) we had school the next day. I was kind of having a tough time with one of my teachers- Mr. Silverson. He just doesn't seem pleased with anything I do- I can't do anything right, in his eyes.
It was Monday, another Monday. I was really tired, and kind of dazed. While my teachers droned on, the day just got longer and looonger.
After I got home, I crashed on the couch and didn't wake up until supper. My mom was being kind of annoying- asking "Why are you so tired, Tasha?" and "You look so run-down, Tasha."
I'd just answer with "I'm fine, mom!!" But I was getting more and more tired!!
We had spaghetti for supper. I did my homework and went to bed the second I put my pencil down.
In gym the next morning, we were playing basketball.
"Okay, everybody!! We're going to have a mini game. Three people per team." my gym teacher announced.
After we counted off by three, we finally got to play. Team one and two would play first. A girl named Brianne was coming down the court to score, and I had to stop her.
I ran over to the ball, my feet moving like lead. I didn't get there in time- the other team scored.
I kept on asking myself what was wrong with me, but came up short.
The rest of the day went like that- I couldn't do anything right anymore!!
I went home and did my homework. Yay. After I ate, I went straight to bed. Again.
At gym the next day, I tripped over my own feet!! I landed on my leg, but managed to get up.
"Tasha, I've been noticing that you've been... kind of run-down lately. Just not yourself." Mrs. Johnson was trying to be nice, but I knew she was wondering what was going on.
"I know. I think I'm not getting enough sleep. I'll try to get some extra sleep over the weekend."
We all ran into the locker room to get changed quick. When I was changing into my jeans, I noticed that my leg was really bruised!! When I thought about it, I really didn't land that hard- I had fallen much harder before. Why did it bruise so much this time?
By the time I got home, I thought I was going to collapse.
My mom made my mood even worse when she said, "Tasha, you're going to the doctor tomorrow at nine o'clock. You've just been so tired, and I want to get it checked out."
"Mom, I'm just tired!! It's nothing, really!!" After a while, I began to realize that she wasn't going to budge one inch. I gave up. After I grabbed a bagel for supper, I fell asleep.
The next day went in kind of a blur. We sat down in the waiting room for about a half hour before they called my name.
I had to sit there while he listened to my heart, took my blood pressure and temperature, the usual drill. But this time he wanted blood tests. I hated needles, but it just felt like a big poke.
"I saw those bruises on your legs, and I think I have an idea of what we're dealing with. I'm not sure of anything until I check the blood tests, and it'll be a couple of days. Just get alot of extra sleep and take care of yourself. It could be nothing, but we're going to make sure. Is that okay?"
I said it was, and we left. My mom kept trying to make me eat, but I just didn't feel like eating. She acted like it was a crime or something.
I was still tired, and I noticed that I was losing weight. Unfortunately, my mom noticed, too.
"I'm telling you, you've got to eat more, Tasha!!! Why don't you ever listen to what I say anymore??"
I went to my room, still mad that she was blaming me; it wasn't my fault I didn't feel like eating!
After school, I had to go the hospital again to get the results of the blood test. That made me a little nervous, though. Why would they want us to come back just to see the results- why not just use a phone?
When we got to the main lobby, I sat on the couch for a while to read a book. They called my name again, and I went to the doctor's office. Dr. Parker looked really serious, but nothing could have prepared me for what he was about to tell me.
He said, "Tasha, the lab tests have confirmed what I suspected when you came in. I didn't want to cause panic if it wasn't needed. Tasha, you have a disease called leukemia. Leukemia is cancer of the blood, and it produces millions of abnormal white blood cells that you don't need. Now, I'm going to have you meet a specialist to explain some of the methods of treatment and tell you more about leukemia. I know this is all a big shock, but the sooner you start treatment, the better. I'm going to leave now, and give you some time alone with your mom."
The only reply I was able to get out was "No!! Don't leave now!! Couldn't you have made a mistake? I'm just a kid- kids can't have cancer, can they?"
"Unfortunately, Tasha, they can. It's very possible- even though alot of the time cancer victims are older people."
With that, he walked out of the room.
My whole body went numb, and I started shaking a little. Things like this didn't happen to people like me- I was just thirteen years old!! How could I have cancer??
My mom was talking to me, but I didn't hear her. What could she possibly say to make me feel better? My grandpa died of cancer, and I saw how sick he was before he died- would I have to go through all that too? I was so confused and terrified that I couldn't go back to school. What would they do if they knew I had cancer? Would they treat me differently, or not?
We went home. I knew my mom was planning what she was going to say, because she looked really nervous.
When we got to the couch, I prepared myself for the worst.
"Tasha, you've always been a strong person. Even when everyone around you wanted to give up, you would always fight until the end; no matter what it was. It's going to be tough, but I know you'll get through it because you're too stubborn to give up. Even when it gets rough, just push on and give it everything you've got. You're going to win the fight, not the cancer."
I thought for a while, and then replied "Thanks mom. I'll think about that, but I already know I'm going try not to give up. It's not the end of the world, because the survival rates are going up, aren't they?"
"Yes, Tasha. They are. Remember that... always remember that."
I walked quietly to my room, and carefully sat down on my bed. It was starting to set in. I cried for a little while, and then fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, my mom was sitting on the side of my bed. I had the feeling she wasn't there to say good morning.
"Tasha, you don't have to go to school today. I called Dr. Parker, and he wants you to meet with Dr. Woodward today at 10:00. She's a specialist on childhood cancer, and Dr. Parker says she's a really good doctor. We'll have to leave around nine, so you might want to think about getting up. Okay?"
"Okay, mom. I'll get up in a little while."
What I didn't tell her was how much I just wanted to hide in a closet and hope that everything would be okay again when I came out. There was nothing I wanted more than to have everything normal again- I wouldn't even mind a whole lot when I had to go to school!
We rode to the hospital in silence, and it was over a half an hour away!! Talk about boring!
When we got there, Dr. what's her name was there to meet us at the door. Yay.
We took the elevator up to the fifth floor, and then went to her office. Her office had alot more machines than any other doctor's office I had been to- alot more! Everywhere I looked there was some kind of tube, needle, or some other kind of weird equipment.
"Okay. I'm going to start off by saying that I know it isn't easy to be diagnosed with leukemia. I was diagnosed with it when I was 12, and I still remember how scared I was. So if you have any questions, you can ask me anytime."
My mom thought a little, and then responded, "Thank you." I could tell she wasn't sure what to say.
"Anyway, Dr. Parker said that he told you what leukemia does, so now I'm going to tell you a little about the treatment. Since you were just diagnosed, I have decided that the best treatment at least for right now would be chemotherapy. Now, I know that word must scare you because almost everyone I know thinks of it in a bad way. But while you're on chemotherapy, the drugs in the IV line help to wipe out the abnormal white blood cells and replace them with the good ones. The problem with chemotherapy is that when it kills the bad cells, it also kills some of the healthy cells. It makes you sick sometimes, kind of like the flu. You throw up and feel sick for a while, and some people lose their hair. Although you may think that's the end of the world at the time, it grows back eventually. Just keep thinking of what it's doing- getting rid of the unhealthy cells."
It took me a little while to digest all this information, but I got the drift.
I stammered, "You're telling me that I'm going to throw up alot and sort of have the flu all the time, plus I'm going to lose my hair? But..."
Dr. Woodward seemed ready for that. She quickly answered, "I know it seems awful, but this is the first step to being cancer-free! It's doing you more good than you realize, Tasha. Keep thinking about that."
Still kind of tongue-tied, I replied, "I guess."
"Tasha, I want you to start chemo tomorrow. Like I said before, the sooner, the better. I want you to go home and think about this. You'll want to bring something to do while you are treated, like books or a CD player- anything you'd like to do without moving around alot."
My mom's voice was kind of shaky, but she managed to get out, "Okay. Should I call you to find out when to come?"
"That won't be necessary- I'll just tell you now. Tasha should be in the waiting room around 10:00 again. Would that be okay?"
Without even thinking about it, my mom answered, "That would be fine."
As we walked out, my mom gave me a look that said, "Don't say anything now, we'll talk about it in the car."
When we got it into the car, I thought about what to say and then cautiously said, "She said I would throw up and lose my hair, mom!"
"I know, Tasha, but if it's going to help you get better, isn't it worth it?"
I thought for a while, and then responded, "I guess you're right."
We went home pretty much in silence, until I remembered something.
"Mom, what about school? If I'm going to get chemotherapy alot, then what will I do about all the work I'm going to have to make up?"
She thought for a while, and then replied, "We'll figure out something. I could call your teachers tomorrow, and have one of your friends bring it to you."
My friends!! How was I going to tell them that I had cancer? Would they act different because of it, or not? I didn't really know what to think.
After I had something to eat, I watched a half hour of TV and read for a while, then I fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt like a big, heavy stick of lead. I felt really bad! I could barely even get ready to go to the hospital! I just kept telling myself that it would all get better- the chemo would make me feel better after I had treatment for a while, maybe.
I picked out a couple books, grabbed my CD player, and the game gear I had gotten for Christmas last year.
Even though I wasn't hungry, I managed to stuff some toast down my throat.
It didn't seem to be as long of a ride this time, because I had my books and stuff. When we got there, we went up into the elevator to Dr. Woodward's office again. It was the same as I remembered it- lots and lots of tubes and machines.
"Hi, Tasha! How are you doing?"
"Okay, I guess. I'm really tired, though, and just feel kind of weird."
I looked over to see her scribble down some notes.
"Why are you writing that down? Isn't it normal for kids who have..."
"Yes," she interrupted. "It's very normal, but that just helps me figure out how advanced your leukemia is. That's so I can adjust the amount of drugs for your chemo when I need to."
"Oh," I answered, not sure what to say... again.
"Mrs. Keller, (my mom) I explained what we're going to do on the phone, didn't I?"
"Yes, doctor." My mom seemed kind of out of it. "Okay, then. I'll just take Tasha to the back room, and we'll start the chemotherapy."
I followed Dr. Parker down the hall to a small room in the back. It was an okay room, with a bed and (eek!!) an IV pole in the corner. Two chairs and a sink were in the opposite corner.
"Okay, we'll have you sit on the bed. I'll get an IV started, and then you can just relax for a while. Well, the garbage can is next to the bed if you... need it. Okay?"
"Umm... okay."
She walked out to the hall, and came back into the room with an IV bag, and a needle. She hung it up on the stand, and attached the needle.
"This'll hurt for a little while, but once it's in, you'll be fine."
I braced myself for pain, and felt the pinch and poke as it went in. It was a little sore, but okay.
"There you go! I'll check up on you in a little while, okay Tasha?"
"Okay," I mumbled. She left. I felt my eyes growing heavy, and before I knew it I was sound asleep.
When I woke up, the light was out. Dr. Woodward must have turned it off.
"Hi, you're up!! Good. I'm going to have to draw some blood and see how you're doing."
Before I could reply, I felt a rush of... something. I reached for the garbage. You probably know the rest.
"It's okay, Tasha. It does get better." I felt the poke as the other needle went into my skin. I felt like a porcupine.
As she walked out, I couldn't help but think about how awful I felt. What if it felt like this after every chemo treatment? I would be miserable the whole time!!
I searched for the buzzer to get a glass of water. Almost right away, the nurse came in.
"Hi, what can I get you," she said, kind of dazed.
"Could I get a glass of water..." (I looked at her nametag.) "Anna?"
She smiled, like it was the first time anybody had called her by her name instead of "hey, nurse."
"Sure. I'll be right back."
As I watched her go down the hall, Dr. Woodward came in.
"Hi, Tasha. I'm here to check your vital signs- temperature, blood pressure, the usual. I'll have to do this every once in a while to make sure you're doing okay."
They had the ear thermometer, so I didn't have to open my mouth. I was relieved about that. What if I suddenly didn't feel too well, and... never mind. But I didn't like the look on her face when it beeped.
"Tasha, you're running a pretty high temperature. I better go check your blood results and make sure they're okay."
The nurse came in and set the glass of water, right before the orderly came in with lunch. It looked kind of like school food- never a good sign. Oh well, I wasn't hungry anyway. Why would I eat if I couldn't keep any food down?
I took a drink of water, and then put my head down for a little while, trying to rest my eyes. I fell asleep instead.
When I woke up, I was feeling even worse. (If that was possible!) My mom had come in a couple times, but it was while I was sleeping.
Dr. Woodward walked into the room again, this time with my mother.
"Tasha, I'm afraid your tests and vital signs aren't as good as we expected. You're going to have to stay in the hospital for a little while longer."
I sat there, thinking how boring it would be, especially if I felt as bad as I did now.
It took a while, but I finally got back to sleep. When I woke up Alyssa, Jenna, Stephanie, and Stacey were surrounding my bed. I don't think I've ever been so glad to see them in my life!
"Hi, Tasha. Your mom called us and told us about everything, and we all decided to come down to visit," Jenna said.
Stacey broke the silence after that. "Tasha, I want you to know that you're going to make it. We all know that, because you wouldn't have it any other way- you're too pigheaded to give up!!"
Everybody started laughing. Only Stacey would say that at a time like this.
"But we're serious, Tasha. We're not about to let you give up, anyway. After a while, you'll get tired of us nagging on you, and probably fight harder!!" Steph was dead serious, and that just made us laugh even harder!
Alyssa said, "We're behind you all the way, Tash."
A nurse came in and said in a cool voice, "Visiting hours are over. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
When she left, Stacey burst out laughing. "She didn't sound too terribly sorry, did she?"
"Well, I guess we have to go now, but we'll come again soon, Tasha. That's a promise," Jenna said softly.
As I watched them leave, I was still kind of shocked that they didn't act like I was contagious or something. I don't know what I would've done if one of them got sick like I did. Would I do the same thing for them?
The days seemed to go on... and on... and on... and on. By now I've probably listened to half the CD's in the world, and 3/4 of the books in all of the local libraries!
The next day, I got a new roommate. Her name was Julie, and she had bone cancer. Julie was going through exactly the same thing I was- chemotherapy and all. She was my only close friend for a while- Alyssa, Jenna, Steph, and Stacey visited alot, but I felt like we were growing apart. I didn't see them half as much as I would have liked to, and they really didn't understand what it was like to be sick all the time.
My hair was starting to fall out, little by little. Every time I turned around more was falling out. I had been growing my hair out since I was in 3rd grade- and it wasn't very fun to watch it all fall out. Julie's hair was short and blond, and her's was starting to fall out, too.
Julie broke her arm a month ago, and had to come into the hospital to get it checked. The doctors saw signs of bone cancer, and they said that it weakened her arm and caused it to break easier.
Sometimes the nurses would let us take long walks, as long as we didn't get tired. Julie and I would circle the hospital for as long as we could without getting in trouble with the nurses. Sometimes the nurses would get cranky, and then we would just give up and go back to the room.
As the days went by, I felt worse and worse. I felt awful all the time- whether I was on chemotherapy or not!! Julie was doing okay, but not improving a whole lot. The doctors moved our beds together so we could play games. That helped- it made things a little more fun.
But after a while, I was too weak to get out of bed. Dr. Woodward says that I need a bone marrow transplant, which will help build healthy cells. If all goes according to plan, it will help make my bone marrow start working normally again. My family is getting tested to see if there is a match. I hope there is...
Dr. Woodward came in to see me today. She had bad news. No one in my family is a close enough match to be my donor.
She suggested a blood drive, so they could test the blood to see if anyone is a match. They agreed to hold the blood drive in one week, so they would have time to put up notices and everything.
The week went by awfully slow, but it did finally end.
I don't think I've ever had so many visitors at one time until the day of the drive. Almost everybody I've ever known was there- relatives, friends, and and even people I'd never seen before!! Almost everyone who could was tested to see if they were a donor.
I'd have to say that the wait to see if I had a donor was the longest one I've ever had to live through. What if no one was a match? What would happen then? Would I... no. I have to think positive.
Julie tried to get me to do something- anything- but I wouldn't do anything. I was too busy wondering if I had a donor. If I did, then would it work?
Dr. Woodward came in. This was what I had been waiting for.
"Tasha, we found a donor. It was a very close match, and we're going to perform the transplant on Monday. You're going to have to rest alot, and take it easy. I'm going to bring you some pills you have to take to prepare your body for the new bone marrow."
As I watched her leave, I think I was the happiest person on the face of the earth. I was going to be able to stop chemotherapy and go back to school!! (Believe it or not, I actually missed it. Pretty weird, huh?)
Julie and I talked alot that night. She was doing well, and the chemo was working- her cancer seemed to be shrinking! She was going to be able to go home, soon.
Monday was the big day. It came pretty fast, and I'm not sure I was ready. What if something went wrong?
Before I knew it, it was Monday. First thing in the morning, Dr. Woodward came and I got onto the stretcher. I felt pretty awful, though. I was hot and sweaty, and I had a really bad headache. Dr. Woodward gave me a shot, and everything went black.
I don't remember much after that, but I remember the light. A brilliant, bright light was all around me, and I started to walk towards it. It was so beautiful.
But somebody was calling to me. "Tasha, Tasha, wake up. Tasha, don't leave me! It's Julie!"
I slowly opened my eyes, and Julie was still calling my name.
"Tasha! Tasha, I thought you were dead- you had me so scared!! Don't ever do that to me again!!"
"Julie- the light!! It was so pretty, and I wanted to go to it... but you wouldn't leave me alone!"
We both laughed, but I knew I would never forget it. It was so pretty, and so bright.
The doctors started crowding around me. The only one I recognized was Dr. Woodward. She said, "Tasha, we finished the transplant. We didn't know that you were still extremely sick, otherwise we probably would've waited. I really thought you were gone, Tasha. But I'm glad you're here."
As soon as I was put back into the hospital bed, my parents were there to talk to me.
"Oh, Tasha! They told me that your heart wasn't beating, and I just... lost it. I'm so glad you're here, Tasha." My mom still sounded really scared- I had never seen her that frightened in my life!
Everybody came to visit, including my donor!! Her name is Patricia, and she's one of the most kind people I've ever met before. Patricia has two kids, Mary and Josh, and her husband's name is Jack. I told Patricia that I'd like to see her often, and she said she'd like that.
Julie was released from the hospital today, but she still came to see me alot. I got to get out two weeks later, when Dr. Woodward confirmed that I was in remission. As I walked outside, it seemed like everything was better- prettier.
I don't take my life for granted that much anymore- at least not as much as I used to.