ALWAYS COMING HOME

By Alfred Kelly

Carla was always there. On my first day at school, when I was so terrified that, when my parents left, I just sat on the steps and cried. Too scared to go in.

She walked up to me, a serious expression on her face and just casually slipped her hand in mine. It felt so natural that I wasn't even embarrassed. Most normal little boys didn't like girls. I wasn't normal, I loved her even then; though I didn't know what love was.

We grew together. Year after year. Every year growing closer until we couldn't be separated. My parents loved her too. It was impossible not to. I think they loved her because she was always so mature and responsible. I remember my mother used to ask her opinion on things and listen to her reply, seriously, just like it came from an adult.

She was always so intelligent that I guess I should have known that when it came time that ships could be piloted into space she would be the first they asked. We couldn't spend much time together anymore because the men in suits were always there. They followed us everywhere. When we went up to the point to watch the stars, they were there. At the dances, they were there. At the movies, I would catch a glimpse of one or two of them. They would act like they weren't following us. I guess they thought that a couple of high school kids couldn't be too observant. Some of them were really good: but they all had that same sterile look, and they all would wait until they thought they were out of eyesight and check their watches and mumble into their wrist recorders. They were always around. She passed whatever observation test they gave her. Then they took her. It was just before our high school graduation.

It wasn't hard. She loved me with all her heart, I knew: but she loved the stars with all her soul. When they told her that she could fly one of the sleek needles to other worlds she had no choice. And because I loved her enough that I wanted her to be happy, I let her go (without putting up too much of a fight). I had made college plans, and I'd noticed that she had made none. She had already known.

When she came back the first time. I didn't really notice the difference. Only two years had gone by, and Carla had always looked so much younger than she was that it just wasn't noticeable. When my first downy soft beard started to grow in I wished she was there. I could hardly wait until her ship came back. When she came I was there at the landing station. I noticed it then that I had begun to look like an adult, but she was the same. Sure she had a wrinkle or two from thinking too hard, I believe, but she was exactly the same. She was still girlish slim. When she took my hand I noticed how small it was compared to mine.

She noticed me noticing and took her hand away. That was the first time we had ever been uncomfortable around each other. I didn't like it much.

I grabbed her hand back with false bravado and we went on our date. I was sorry I hadn't shaved my beard away. She looked at it and frowned.

"You're getting kind of grown up."

"Not too much."

"You're still cute though." She smiled her pixie smile, and everything was all right.

"I'm not cute, I'm handsome. Men are handsome." I mock scowled until she lifted my arm and tickled me until I cried. "Okay, okay."

Though her stay was several months; it was too short. I watched her walk back to her ship, bouncy-stepped. Then I walked back to my home to my neglected college homework.

The next time she came my beard had grown in. It had been another two years since I saw her and I had forgotten to shave it again. It all came back to me when she walked down the slide. Her head was tilted in that seriously thinking way she had when she saw me. She didn't smile as much. She seemed smaller until I realized I had grown. She still looked about seventeen. She took my hand hesitatingly. Her small hand was lost in mine. She was silent a long time before she spoke.

"You've grown a lot." Her lips were pursed.

"Not that much." But it was true. I was at least four inches taller than Carla.

"You want to go see a movie?"

"Sure."

I thought the show was really silly: but I didn't say anything since she enjoyed it so much. She laughed out loud many times. When we left the theatre a friend of mine, Larry, passed us.

"Hey, Mike."

"Hey, Larry. Let me introduce you to my girlfriend Carla Richardson. Carla, this is Larry Jackson."

He looked at Carla a little skeptically, and then thought I was playing a trick on him.

"Girlfriend? Right." He grinned. "Who is she, a kid sister?" Carla frowned, and I got really angry. Larry realized then that I hadn't been kidding.

"Calm down, Mike. Calm down. I'm sorry. It's just that, you know. I'd be a little worried about the police. There's laws, you know." If he hadn't looked so concerned for my welfare I'd have hit him.

"She's a starpilot, Larry."

"Really?" His eyes were round and I stood a little straighter and puffed my chest out some.

"Yeah." My Carla smiled.

"You're on that big ship that just came in?"

"Yes, the Symphony is my ship. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm sorry, we have something to do. We have to go now."

"See you later, Larry."

"See you, Mike." We left him standing there with his jaw dropped. Carla giggled when we got out of earshot. Then she sobered so quickly it was like someone had pushed a button.

"He is right, you know. I do look like your kid sister."

"No, you don't! Don't say that!" I was really angry. That was the first time I felt something coming between us.

"But it's true. Don't be mad at me. You know it's the truth."

She went a little blurry. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt the lump in my throat.

"Don't go back, Carla. I'm going to be so old I'll be your father in a few years. Don't go back. Please." She looked into my eyes and I saw she'd almost said yes. She loved me just that much.

"I'm sorry, Mike. I have to." She looked so wretched and young standing there crying like me, that I weakened. I didn't want her to look that way anymore.

"No, I'm sorry. You go do your job, okay? I'll wait for you."

"A couple more years is going to make it worse. You've got your size on you. I won't get any older for a long time."

"I don't care. I love you."

"I love you too." She looked like she wanted to add something, but didn't.

When she left this time I shaved my beard and started exercising more to lose the paunch that made me look older. I bought wrinkle cream for my crows feet and those deep lines in my forehead and I started dressing younger. My mother remarked on the change in me one day when I visited.

We laughed and chatted for a while then she said.

"You can't stop yourself from getting older, you know."

I looked at her, puzzled.

"You can't stop it."

"I'm not trying to." I lied.

"It's Carla, isn't it?"

"No...yes. I feel we're growing apart with this age thing."

"Do you still love her?"

"Of course! I've never loved anybody else."

"You may have to." Then she looked sad.

"Never." I wasn't sad, upset or anything. The core of me wouldn't even think about that thought. "Never."

She firmed her lips together but said nothing.

When she came back she almost did look like my daughter. I felt a little strange holding hands with her and I wouldn't kiss her in public. I still loved her with all my heart though: and I wouldn't give her up for anything.

"Mike, are you ashamed of me?"

"No." Then because I'd never lied to her. "I do feel a little strange though."

"Because I'm so young?"

"Yes. Don't go back, Carla."

She thought long and hard before she refused. She just shook her head with tears falling, because she knew she couldn't talk.

"I have to, Mike."

"Then go."

"Will you be there for me when I come back?"

"You know I will." Come hell or high water I would.

"What are we gonna do?"

"I don't know, but I still love you just the same. Nothing's changed."

"I love you too."

I looked all over for a solution. I wished I could go with her to keep from losing her, but I knew that I wasn't smart enough to pass all the tests. There really was no solution left that I could see, but I looked.

In the end the solution was simple. Since there was nothing I could do, I did nothing. I waited for Carla: and when she came I spent those three months with her every time. My life stopped until she came back. In my heart I was no older though after her tenth visit I noticed a single strand of gray hair at my temple. I plucked it, but it came back.

She came back. She was even more beautiful than when she'd left the first time. She was really just starting to mature. My paunch had come back. It was to stay this time. My life was so full with my full-time career that I had no time for exercise. She didn't comment on it, though she did poke me playfully in the stomach a couple of times.

Life just kind of whizzed by. I lived three months a year. Only when she came. I lived outside of town, because I didn't think anyone else would understand. The few people who knew, didn't. They were impressed with Carla's being a starship pilot, but when they saw her they couldn't get past the age barrier. They looked at me as if there were something wrong with me. I knew something had to happen, and soon. It did. Space Station Endeavour happened.

I exercised so much that I know it couldn't have been good for me. The stomach left though. They were looking for ordinary people, and I was nothing if not ordinary. No tests other than an age limit and physical fitness. If I hadn't been a doctor I would not have made it. The upper limit was a few years higher for professionals. In the end, the trip was on my birthday. Technically, I was too old then, but noone said anything.

The station was so tight and cramped that we could barely breathe. Only three people could shower at the same time or the water supply dropped below the safety level. The food was so bland as to be hard to believe. And we recycled. We recycled things that were, well, just not right. I didn't see how I could have had an appetite. I did finally though. It was all necessary so I could be with Carla. This was the solution. The only solution.

Her ship docked there once every three months, and I was in heaven. We still had the age difference, but it never got any worse. Life's kind of funny sometimes. I never wanted to leave Earth, but wound up being one of the first space colonists renowned for my bravery and ingenuity: and all I'd ever wanted to do was spend my life with Carla.