How To Sell Your Soul To God

By Stephen W. Cote

The Bible is subject to many interpretations, more so than most other holy roadmaps because it is shared by several religions. The undeniable truths are that there was a man named Jesus, a person called God, a chosen nation or two, a world full of sinners, and ten steps for getting into Heaven. When we first learn about the bible as children, I believe that our youthful minds are less apt to question the differences in interpretation between religions as we are to ponder the Heavenly double standards. The Bible has no coupon book at the end, no toll free customer service line, and in fact, everything it says we should do relies on two basic concepts. Follow the ten steps and, if in doubt, ask God.

Since the age of literacy, certain questions in the form of prayers have managed to find their way into our minds right before slumber. In no particular order, they went something like this:

Outside of praying for football teams to win the Superbowl or praying for a check to clear, there are some pretty common prayers that we manage to hold onto throughout our lives that. Again, in no special order, they look something like this:

Actually, there are a few more steps to selling your soul to God than the big ten. For example, read Leviticus 19:1-36 and you will find more things you shouldn't do. In fact, Leviticus 18:1-29 has more things the sexually active should aware of that they shouldn't be doing. However, go back to Exodus 20 and review the ten big steps. They read something like this:

  1. I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery, you shall have no other gods before me.

  2. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

  3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

  4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore, the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

  5. Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

  6. You shall not murder.

  7. You shall not commit adultery.

  8. You shall not steal.

  9. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

  10. You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

By following these ten steps, we (those who believe in it anyway) get to go see the Man. However, these rules were written thousands of years ago and therefore have not been amended to represent a few, mildly important things. These being:

Understanding that the above has happened, the ten basic steps need to be explained. Everyone seems to forget God kept handing Moses tablets with more and more rules on them since they started to get a little ridiculous. In order to explain the ten basic steps, the belief that there is one single God needs to be suspended. To be completely fair, Satan is, technically, a God, considering that if he wasn't, God would have just killed him. In addition, there is no mention of all the Gods that existed before the Lord your God (which, by the way, is a pretty generic name - you notice he starts making up about a hundred more, but we can't say them aloud). Consequently, these rules need to be explained so they are applicable to everybody and take into account everything that has ever happened since they were made so that they make crystal clear sense.

  1. Rule one. Don't trust a God that keeps you in slavery just to say he or she saved you. Ignore everything but the 'you shall have no other God but me' part, since we can't go around letting every god claim our souls. We've worked too hard on them to sell them out.

  2. Rule two. Fair enough. Don't decide to worship something besides God while you are planning on selling your soul to him/her. However, this rule does not say that you can't worship something else if God already knows you are planning on having another God. So, pretty much, rule two is the 'don't double cross God' rule.

  3. Rule three. Don't misuse God's name is equitable with spelling someone's name wrong. There is no reason not to cuss God out for a lousy job considering, according to the original version of rule one, he kept you in slavery. Don't spell your God's name wrong and you'll be good to go.

  4. Rule four. This rule presupposes several things. First of all, that everyone has the same power as God to do everything in six days. This is entirely untrue. I've tried and can't make an entire world in six days. I couldn't even make a weed grow in six days. Furthermore, this is probably only PR to cover the fact that the six days before were already taken by other deities for a holy day. If you aren't sure, pick a day out of the year for your holy day. A day out of the week to be holy is too many days for a God that doesn't pay attention to whats going on.

  5. Rule five. Honor your father and your mother. This makes sense, but it assumes your parents are worth honoring. Some parents aren't worth even remembering, much less honoring. So this is a negotiable rule depending on your parents. You don't need to worry about it unless you specifically decide to treat decent parents like dirt just for the sake of doing it.

  6. Rule six. This makes sense. Don't murder. It doesn't say don't kill, so all the militia buffs are safe. In fact, anyone who is told to kill someone is safe, especially if this is the form their labor is taking. This is not an excuse to break local laws, just something to remember.

  7. Rule seven. Don't cheat on your lover. This makes sense. It only applies to monogamous couples though.

  8. Rule eight. This is only for those that God has provided a job for. The rules specifically said work. They didn't say find work, just work. Therefore, don't steal if you have a job. However, if you need money and you ask God for it, and you don't get any, then he/she can't get mad if you have to find a creative source of income.

  9. Rule nine. Don't lie about your neighbor. This one pretty much makes sense unless your neighbor is a low down, dirty rotten bastard and you lie to someone and tell them they are nice just to sell your house. It should read: don't make your neighbor (or friend) look bad.

  10. Rule ten. This rule does not apply to any capitalistic society with one exception. If in a capitalistic society your neighbor has something you like, you have a job and you can pay your bills, but plan to steal something of your neighbors just because you are too cheap to buy it yourself, then you are coveting something of your neighbors. Although that is not the correct application of the word 'covet', it does make sense.

In short, here are the rules again, rewritten to make more sense.

  1. Make up your mind on who you want to sell your soul to
  2. Don't double cross your chosen Creator
  3. Don't spell your Creator's name wrong
  4. Choose a holy day (something like a birthday) for your Creator. Make a cake if appropriate
  5. If your parents are good to go, be happy. If they suck, don't worry about it
  6. Don't kill anyone if you have a job or don't have a good reason for doing so
  7. Don't cheat on a monogamous lover
  8. Don't be cheap if you have a job and can pay your bills
  9. Don't be a mudslinger
  10. See rule 8

I tend to think of the ten commandents in the form as above. They make a lot more sense and are more applicable to my life. The Bible only goes so far for certain things besides entertainment value. In addition, it excludes many religions. It is really only a matter of choosing who your Creator is, and even then, it is only choosing who you want to sell your soul to for paradise. God made Earth in six days, well la dee da. We can blow it all up in under one.

By following the ten steps and ignoring anything else anyone tells you, unless it makes pretty good sense, your next step is to start writing your resume. Yes, you need a resume to get into paradise, no matter what one you choose. The best way to start is by doing what I refer to as the 'X' factor, or setting things straight. I believe that I only need to say something once, or just have it in mind, for it to count, so there is no need to keep repeating things, especially since God isn't a three year old. There is absolutely no need to keep saying 'save me, save me, save me, save me, save me, save me!, SAVE ME!' until you are blue in the face and have wasted an entire day. The following standard works especially well for most of the Gods.

I, (state your name), believe in you and am prepared to honor your rules and assume an allegiance with you in return for my soul on your acceptance of my conscious (or nirvana- instated) mind, soul, body, or whatever form I may choose, in your eternal paradise. I pray for (say the names of all your friends, relatives, loved ones, people you have wronged, people who have wronged you, and people you have slandered). I'm sorry for (say all the things you are sorry for). Please help (say all the names of the people or villages you heard a celebrity say on TV whoa re malnourished or fighting) stop (doing anything wong, if so applicable). I have faith that you will (list all of the virtues and fulfillments you expect of your Creator). I promise to try to be (state all of the things, whether you've been doing them or not, that you will try to keep doing or be better at, such as keeping promises, paying bills, not arguing, whatever).

And you're done. It is always a good idea to send several resumes in case one gets lost, so repeat this the first couple of times. After that, just refer back to it. If you have to repeat it, then you are assuming that your Creator either wasn't listening, doesn't care, you forgot you prayed for it, and don't believe he/she would answer your prayer the first time. Now you are ready to get down to the important matters. Asking all those questions that need answers and criticizing everything that has gone wrong just to test your Creator's timber. Each night you pray (you should always pray every night, or at least set a pattern and pray on your specific holy day), just remember that you already prayed for everybody and you don't need to spend the time repeating yourself. If God can make an entire universe in six days, and expect us to do the same amount of work on such a limited budged of super powers, then make sure he/she has a pen and paper in hand when you pray, or else nothing will ever get done.

Copyrighted to Stephen W. Cote and Fantasy Writers, LTD, 1995. writers@mcint.com"
Last Updated: March 10, 1996